Hella Nugget
by jokdoctor
Summary: A super weird story about a girl named Jamie who is sent to live with her Uncle Benedict when wasps attack her house. Little does she know who Benedict really is- a famous detective.


The car rolls up to the cobblestone driveway. Large pillars stand before the towering, white mansion. Jamie parks the hella Impala, removes the key from the ignition, and swings the car door open. The sound of wasps still buzz through her head. "Go!" her mother had screamed. "Pack your bags and go to Uncle Benedict's house! Go!"

Approaching her uncle's hella big mansion, his slaves lug her bags into the hall. Jamie tips them with nuggets for their good work and they eat them greedily, like hella savage monkeys.

Jamie wanders (those who wander are not always hella lost) up the stairs and roams into a bedroom.

She is startled to find Benedict in his socks. ONLY his socks. The key word is only. He blushes flirtatiously, but then remembers that Jamie is his 17 year old niece and is embarrassed. The embarrassment turns to rage.  
"Get out of here, you!" he screams in his low sexy voice that is like vocal eargasm. Jamie flusteredly slams the door, scarred to have seen her uncle's hella big dna rifle.

Jamie runs into a different and vacant room because she didn't want the Bene-Dick. She flops down on to the bed, exhausted from the day's events. First the wasps invaded her house, and now she had to see a sight she never wanted to see. Ever. What's next?

In the doorway, Uncle Benedict stood like stone, wearing a black suit and red bow tie. He cleared his throat and spoke softly yet powerfully, "You must be hella tired after the journey you made. Would you like some dinner, dear?"

"No, I'm not hungry Uncle Bene-dick… ict," Jamie stutters. Benedict leaves the room and Jamie locks the door. She changes into her pajamas and fuzzy bunny slippers. She falls asleep for three hours, and wakes up, after a long nap of twisting and turning, startled because she thinks she hears wasp noises.

The outside of her window is hella stormy. The raindrops sounds like the tears of hella wasps invading her house and she is very scared. Jamie begins to bawl and her tummy rumbles. She rolls out of bed and falls onto the floor, hitting her head. Blood drips down her cheek. The thump of her fall awakens Benedict and he races to her room.

"Are you all right in there?" he questions, knocking on the door rhythmically.

Jamie crawls to the door and unlocks it. "I am severely hurt and starving." Blood gushes down her cheeks.

Benedict shakes his head, wanting to help her but having to keep his guard up. If he lets her in, he would have to adhere to his feelings, which can never be.

"Suck it up, it's 2am and when I offered food before you denied me." With that, Benedict hurries away from the room, concealing his thoughts and heading back to bed.

Jamie defiantly walks downstairs to the kitchen to fix her own needs. She searches through the cabinets for a band-aid, but instead, stumbles upon a box of chicken nuggets. She eyes the chinuggets up. Does she dare? She dooooooo.

She grabs the box of chicken nuggets from the cabinets and sticks it in the microwave for about tree fiddy. And she makes sure she opens the door before the beep noise. She donut carrot all for what Benedict says cus she wants, NEEDS, LUSTS FOR, the CN.

She quickly downs the nuggets (dino shaped) out of hunger. She eats the nuggets and has a mouthgasm enjoying every last dirty bite. They were hella gucci.

She finishes the nuggets and leaves the box on the table. Wandering the halls she finds a hella cool greenhouse with a hammock. She tries to reach the hammock, but alas, it was too tall. She gave up and curled up on the floor watching the rain pitter-patter against the greenhouse window, worrying about her mother's safety.

The next morning, Jamie awakes, frightened. Benedict is hovering above her (like a hella-copter), an angry look devouring his sculpted, angelic features. He waves the chicken nugget box in Jamie's face, crumbs falling like raindrops on top of her.

"You ate my chicken nuggets?" his voice booms like hella thunder.

"What?" Jamie trails, barely awake, feigning innocence.

"Well, who else would have eaten them? Martin Freeman? He's a hobbit!"

Jamie begins to tear up, and whimpers, "I was just hella hungwy."

Benedict's features soften. "You should've just said that. Awe, I'm sorry for ignoring your needs last night. I have many dark issues underneath this beautiful face. Please forgive me, dearest."

Jamie latches onto Benedict's leg. He hesitates, but hugs back gently.

Jamie asks, "Will you take me to McDonald's?"

Benedict nods, takes his keys from his pocket, and offers to bring Jamie to the drive thru, but not take her inside, because she looks ratchet. He promises to order her three things from the dollar menu if she's good.

Jamie delightedly hops into his BMW and screams, "I want a nug-nugs, fries, and an ice cream cone! Nom nom nommy!"

Benedict approvingly nods and speeds to the nearest drive thru. He orders double of what Jamie wanted and they eat in the greenhouse in the mansion. At the end of their meal, Benedict grabs Jamie's hand and inquires, "Jamie, I don't have much company here. I hate most people and my slaves can be dicks. Will you live with my 5ever? It's more than 4ever."

Jamie remembers her mother fighting the deadly wasps for her and the Bene-dick she had to view. Repulsed, Jamie runs to her room and shouts, "Never!" How could she live with someone who is a complete stranger, even if he bought her nuggets!

Benedict sulks in his greenhouse. He pulls out a necklace that was in his pocket. He was going to give it to Jamie because whenever he has children live with him, he gives them the necklace. Will Jamie find out about the others and Benedict's dark past?

Jamie stays in her room for days. Each day, a slave brings her food. Jamie eats in her room and blasts heavy metal music (because every angsty teen gets into that phase). Benedict tries to coax her out of her room with fresh nuggets but Jamie always declines. She just wants to go home."When will I be able to go home?" she thinks daily.

One morning, Jamie receives a text from Benedict.

Your mom is ded

- BC

Devastated, Jamie begins to scream and tears endlessly stream down her red face. Downstairs, Benedict mourns the loss of his sister in law. Years ago, the wasps ended his own wife's life, and now her sister is dead too. When will these mythical creatures be stopped?

That night, a loud crash awakens Benedict. He runs to check on Jamie through the secret peep hole he installed in her wall. SHE IS GONE. The window is open, and droppings of nuggets lay on the floor. Only one person would waste a nugget.

Jamie wakes up behind a dirty Wendy's. In the shadows, a figure devours cheeseburgers. "Who are you?" Jamie whispers, horrified.

He turns around, revealing a black and white striped shirt and a black bandana tied around his eyes. "I am the Hamburglar, Benedict's worst enemy," he proclaims. "And you are Jamie, my next victim." The Hamburglar comes over and tightens the rope around Jamie's body. "I lured you out of your room cus I know you can't resist nuggets. And I brought you to this Wendy's because it's the perfect crime. I belong to McDonald's. Aren't I clever?"

"What are you going to do to me?" Jamie whimpers, trying to break through the tightly tied rope around her torso.

"I'm going to make you into a cheeseburger and eat you!" the Hamburglar cackles, sharpening his butcher's knife.

Suddenly, Benedict runs behind the Wendy's, holding his phone up.

"Benedict, how did you foil my plan?" the Hamburglar gasps.

"GPS on Jamie's phone… I'm a protective guardian," Benedict explains. "You can never fool me, Hamburglar.. or should I say… MARTIN FREEMAN."

The Hamburglar rips off his mask to reveal that he is really Martin Freeman. "You caught me, Ben. You ditched me for these children you adopt, and I eat them."

"This time it's a family member, Martin. It's personal," Benedict shouts. He then whips out the Bene-Dick and urinates on Martin's face.

"AHHHHH ACID PEE!" Martin cries as his body melts and burns.

Martin lay dead on the ground as Benedict unties Jamie. "I'm sorry for not getting along," Jamie apologizes, slipping from the rope.

"It's hella okay," Benedict forgives, hugging Jamie. As they release, the necklace Benedict had earlier is around Jamie's neck. "I finally have a kid now."

"I love you," Jamie smiles, kissing Uncle Benedict on the cheek. Benedict blushes and they walk off to the next-door McDonald's, craving hella nuggets.


End file.
